After fall out

Hello,

 Once again there is a reasonable gap between today's blog post and the last, and as such I apologise for the delay, So I have been considering trying to update this blog every Sunday before I go rowing. How long this is kept up for I am not sure.

  Over the last week a few things have occurred, namely pancake day being a major event with me having pancakes a total of 4 times over the last week and a half.  In addition to that I have also attended meetings regarding both my upcoming Cern trip and DofE Gold practice expedition in the lake district. I have also done fairly well in chess club up till now, I am still In first position however since losing to the person in second place I am only 1 point ahead. 

 Yesterday, I attended my capsize training for rowing at Stantonbury campus pool, It involved swimming the length of the pool half head above the water,  half with our fully submerged followed by treading water for two minutes and the swimming back on my back, then I had to throw a safety rope and pack it, and how to get out of a boat when it capsizes, for me it involves hitting the top of the boat three times and then pulling the release cord for my feet as they are big enough to not slip out of the shoes, It also happened to be the first time I have worn my rowing kit even though it was ordered in October because I didn't pick it up till mid January. 

In the holidays I watched "The Graduate" a brilliant film about a man who falls for the daughter of the woman he is having an affair with. Then last night after training I watched "Rumour has it" which is the sequel.

Over the last week and a bit, I have been playing my 3DS ambassador games a lot, completing "Super Mario Bros" (SNES), "Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap"(GBA) and "Yoshi's Island Super Mario Advance 3"(GBA) and I am currently playing "Metroid Fusion" I beat the SA-X only to loose to the last boss immediately after thereby meaning I have to try again. Also "Pokémon Black and White 2" were announced late last night and there is a lot of confusion about them, however I personally dislike them as firstly I didn't enjoy white all that much and they are DS games not 3DS games which sucks. 

Since asking her out the girl who I asked out and myself haven't spoken much and in the one session where we did sit together during a free period very little was said and I feel that she has been avoiding the topic.  A close mutual friend asked her why she said no and apparently it is because she wants to concentrate on her studies, I find to be reasonable and valid excuse, however it still broke my heart and I still feel fairly shy around her. Even though I received some lovely advice from friends, such as Sohumm and Sam, after last post about that "I am a lovely man" and "she is making a huge mistake by rejecting one of the kindest people that they know", etc.  Yet sometimes I feel as if I will never get anywhere with women. However, I can but hope. 

On a happier note I upgraded the software on my phone for the second time last week and I now run 2.13.401.3 before with speedtest I was getting a download speed of 3.42 Mbps I now get 4.83 compared to my wifi speed of 0.09 Mbps this is brilliant 

Until next time 

Matthew 

  

Between Myself and the Dark ...

"All you have between you and 'The dark' is Bear"

Helen Thompson

The past few days have not gone well for me, not well at all, and as a result i have returned to my bear because it is one of the small pieces of comfort and stability i have left.

As this was the last week before the half-term holidays and valentines day I had decided that i would ask the person I like out, initially, on Tuesday I think, I asked her if she would like to see the woman in black with me sometime in the holidays, seeing as we had both seen the stage play in December together I thought it might work. She declined, saying that it was too scary. That put me out a bit, however it was a valid reason and as such i decided I would ask her again, I just had to wait for a chance when we were relatively alone together to ask her. Days passed and my chance still hadn't occurred, so on Thursday evening I decided that I would go all out to ask her on Friday, I got out my new suit, polished my shoes, sorted out my bow tie, and had an early night in order to help steady my nerves. My chance came at lunch time as we both went up to the library to do homework and we both sat at the table facing the window, down the side away from others. We both got out some homework and preceded as normal, occasionally asking each other for help on a question we were stuck with. That continued for about twenty minutes to half an hour all the while i was trying come up with the courage to ask. Eventually I got there and spoke her name (there was no backing out at this stage) she replied yes and I asked her, "Would you go out with me please?" .There was a second or two of silence before she answered, each seeming like an eternity with my heart pounding in my chest, as fast as if i had sprinted the length of the school field. "No" the bottom fell out of my heart and it filled  up with despair, after a second or so, she continued "I'm sorry that sounded a bit harsh but, No" the despair continued to fill the cavity I felt. 

  And so we sat there for the rest of lunch in silence continuing our homework, neither speaking to other very much. I don't know what was going through her head, but through mine were many thoughts asking what was the point of asking as I had always known it would be that way because I am fated to forever alone, my sadness deepening. At the end of lunch she left and i wished her a happy holiday and stayed where I was even when a group of my friends who I also shared a free period with asked my to sit with them, I just wasn't in the mood for people at all.  This mood continued for most of the free period until i decided in the last five minutes that I would go say hello to my friends. She was there which resulted in a little bit of an awkward silence between her and myself that a couple of my friends' picked up on, and then we all continued to our last lesson of the half term. 

 Later that evening I attended the district explorer shooting competition, but at the start we built a couple of bonfires, while snapping wood for the fire I stood on a nail and I went through my shoe into my foot, luckily it missed the middle of my foot instead catching the inside edge. I half walked, half limped my way back up to the building where some of the leaders were, removed my shoe and sock, saw that it was bleeding and asked if they had a plaster or something, Sharon refused, stating "you knew we were at the quarries you should have worn proper shoes" to witch i replied, I came for a shooting competition. 

tesco is open 24/7"  he then said sort out out amongst your selves so I have decided to but a small packet of sweets a quarter of the price of the box of chocolates and then charge the receipt to explorers.

It is as I went to bed and fell asleep that my emotions hit me hardest, and the depression returned from earlier, driving me to find the only one I can truly depend on, Old Bear.

The next day I had my London 3 pokémon  tournament, my dad gave me £30 for the train and so on, I got on the 8.27 to Euston, took the northern line and changed to the Piccadilly line, where i ended up going the wrong way, so I had to backtrack. Eventually I ended up at the London Trocadero centre where i signed up,  I then begged a focus sash from people eventually getting one, I ended up in the top 32 which isn't bad considering the number of world class players that were there, I also came top 8 in the retro tournament held on pokémon stadium 1, We then went for dinner in "Wong Kei" restaurant in Chinatown, which i found very nice and very cheap, afterwards i went home on the train only to find that when I reached the bus stop it would be a half and hour wait in temperatures well below freezing, and so I walked all the way home from the train station in a little under forty minutes, meeting my brother en route on his way back from his girlfriend's.  

Anyway I got home and went to bed, yet once again the feeling of loneliness and worthlessness returned and for a second night in a row I cried myself to sleep hugging Old Bear.

Matthew 

Apologies

First and foremost I would like to aplogise for the long delay since my last post, however since then i have been busy with some very impostant and interesting things.
 To start with i spent the first couple of weeks of this month reviseing for my three exams, maths (C1), chemistry and thetre studies. On the whole they went fairly well, unfortunatly though I  did run out of time on a couple of papers, those two being my chemestry paper , whitch was very hard, and my second drama paper ,( the one on shadow of a gunman by sean o casey ) however on the whole they went freasonably well.
 Since then i have started rowing again and finaly after ordering it in october i recieved my kit for the rowing club so i now have a unisuit, leggings and a tech top. I have also won my first two games in the uk chessland competition eaven though i am already through to the next round. I have continued my keyboard playing and explorers, with Burns night last Wednesday and me burning myself on the oven the week before that.
  I have fixed my panier rack on my bike and bought a light for it, I have bought my brother's birthday presents already. I have read all of shaman king and started the following manga, DNAngel, Fruits Basket, hayate the combat butler I have continued with vampire knight and started blue exorcist.
 I have bought a new pair of shoes, and tomorrow I have a route planning day for DofE gold.
My group has been decided alonh withe the play i will be doing for my moderation in drama on may the 2nd
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Above was Written last saterday*

Since then, The route planning went well and i will spend my birthday walking ti the top of Hellvellyn, or dieing in the attempt. As such i have instated a program where i get up at 6 am and do 20 mins of exercises before school in an attempt to get fitter.
 On other issues I have continued sorting stuff for drama, so that is progressing fine
and i am considering going to see both the muppets movie and the woman in black, although with the latter i may need to take a friend in case it is as scary as the play,

Matthew
P.S. Hopefuly it wont be so long until my next post, and therefore it will be more organised etc