Once again it has come around to that time of year, the dreaded "C" word, Christmas. As is usual I along with all peers, are on christmas holiday, unfortunately because i have january exams i have to revise this christmas.
However it hasn't been all bad as christmas camp went fairly well last weekend and i received gold colours for drama.
Unlike me I did not get around to making anybody christmas cards this year, so if i haven't sent you a personal message or told you in person , have a merry Christmas
As those of you who read my blog will know that i am struggling with my inner demons, mainly cowardice and loneliness the first i may be able to sort soon, however it is unlikely and the latter is dependant on the first
Oh well, what will be, will be :(
anyway see you all soon
Merry Christmas
Matthew
PS next entry will probably be longer
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Sunday, 11 December 2011
I am a Coward
Admitting that I am, may be the first step to overcoming my problems.However, I know that I am yet I can do nothing to try and stop myself being scared or build up the courage and man up. I understand that everybody has the same fear some time in their lives and eventually most will "grow a pair and man up" as a friend of mine said earlier in the week, however i feel that i may forever be "the lonely one in the corner". Does anyone know of any ways to tell if somebody reciprocates a particular feeling about them ?
On to other matters in my life. Such as school, school, is doing ok at the moment however I do need to pick up my grades a bit and do a lot of revision for the January modules, especially maths and to a lesser extent theatre studies, seeing as I didn't do very well in C1 mock exam despite the 70% in my chapter 1-5 exam, with drama, I need to write up my notes on both "As you like it" and "The woman in black". Additionally i need to do more practice essays as unfortunately i only seem to be getting about 60-70% in the ones i do. My chemistry is going well, as is my physics, and i don't even have a January module in it, brilliant, i know.
The school play is finished, over and done; as such life in the wardrobe department can start to go back to normal, except Mr Cooper is doing something in January and the house plays are coming up in march, not to mention the "Park School Panto". Over all the costumes went fairly well as did the play as a whole, next year we are hoping that it will be easier with it being a musical, therefore, there will no dreaded exiled courtiers or similar, hopefully.
During the last week I have attended what will be my last rowing session with Martin, however i may be able to attend the Christmas party on the 8th of January, and the night before that I went to London and say the amazingly scary "The woman in black" performed at the haunted fortune theatre near Covent garden, I was sitting at the back of the stalls on the left hand hand side from the performer's perspective, and I was scared out of my wits, even though i was seated in between Neil and Alice.
Next week, shall see me returning to Oxford uni for another lecture, this time by my auntie once removed, Jocelyn Bell Burnell and the explorer's Christmas party as well as the last week of school before Christmas. At the weekend is the high ash Christmas camp, where as per usual i shall be in charge of a lot of excitable hyper 8-14 year olds. The plan is to run a "boil a billy" base between my brother and myself, or if it is too cold and wet teaching them how to play Texas hold 'em, we have yet to run the second idea by the rest of the leaders
Hopefully buy this week my life will have sorted out myself a bit more, if I am lucky I will have mustered up the courage to ask the person the question that i have wanted to ask for months, and will longer have a reason to cry myself to sleep sometimes, and even if that doesn't happen or it doesn't work out the way I would like it to then we should have at least got around to getting out our advent calender
See you all soon
Love
Matthew
On to other matters in my life. Such as school, school, is doing ok at the moment however I do need to pick up my grades a bit and do a lot of revision for the January modules, especially maths and to a lesser extent theatre studies, seeing as I didn't do very well in C1 mock exam despite the 70% in my chapter 1-5 exam, with drama, I need to write up my notes on both "As you like it" and "The woman in black". Additionally i need to do more practice essays as unfortunately i only seem to be getting about 60-70% in the ones i do. My chemistry is going well, as is my physics, and i don't even have a January module in it, brilliant, i know.
The school play is finished, over and done; as such life in the wardrobe department can start to go back to normal, except Mr Cooper is doing something in January and the house plays are coming up in march, not to mention the "Park School Panto". Over all the costumes went fairly well as did the play as a whole, next year we are hoping that it will be easier with it being a musical, therefore, there will no dreaded exiled courtiers or similar, hopefully.
During the last week I have attended what will be my last rowing session with Martin, however i may be able to attend the Christmas party on the 8th of January, and the night before that I went to London and say the amazingly scary "The woman in black" performed at the haunted fortune theatre near Covent garden, I was sitting at the back of the stalls on the left hand hand side from the performer's perspective, and I was scared out of my wits, even though i was seated in between Neil and Alice.
Next week, shall see me returning to Oxford uni for another lecture, this time by my auntie once removed, Jocelyn Bell Burnell and the explorer's Christmas party as well as the last week of school before Christmas. At the weekend is the high ash Christmas camp, where as per usual i shall be in charge of a lot of excitable hyper 8-14 year olds. The plan is to run a "boil a billy" base between my brother and myself, or if it is too cold and wet teaching them how to play Texas hold 'em, we have yet to run the second idea by the rest of the leaders
Hopefully buy this week my life will have sorted out myself a bit more, if I am lucky I will have mustered up the courage to ask the person the question that i have wanted to ask for months, and will longer have a reason to cry myself to sleep sometimes, and even if that doesn't happen or it doesn't work out the way I would like it to then we should have at least got around to getting out our advent calender
See you all soon
Love
Matthew
Monday, 28 November 2011
3 days to go ...
The past few days have been horrible for me in some ways, there are costumes yet to be done and Christmas pressies to be ordered amongst everything else. However by and large most things in life are going ok.
I have yet another music teacher as the previous one has left and my rowing coach is leaving as well in December. as such they have both said that they will write in my dofe booklet for so far :)
that was the good news unfortunately.
As many of you may be aware i have been doing fairly well with not loosing control over the past few months or so, however yesterday I came so close to losing control completely, and it hasn't ever been that bad since i managed to get it under control. I was scared, frightened and angry, so angry I could have hurt somebody relay badly, as it was i was only barely able to calm down and sort myself out, I was seething and i did not like it one bit. and to be honest i thing it could possibly happen at school some time soon with all the pressure mounting up and so on
tomorrow is the dress rehearsal and Thursday is when it all begins as such, the tickets have been sold and there is no backing out at this point in the production
yesterday i cleaned the steps for the rat run to the stage and today mr boileau and miss launder said that they have never seen them so clean :)
I shall update soon
until next time
Matthew
I have yet another music teacher as the previous one has left and my rowing coach is leaving as well in December. as such they have both said that they will write in my dofe booklet for so far :)
that was the good news unfortunately.
As many of you may be aware i have been doing fairly well with not loosing control over the past few months or so, however yesterday I came so close to losing control completely, and it hasn't ever been that bad since i managed to get it under control. I was scared, frightened and angry, so angry I could have hurt somebody relay badly, as it was i was only barely able to calm down and sort myself out, I was seething and i did not like it one bit. and to be honest i thing it could possibly happen at school some time soon with all the pressure mounting up and so on
tomorrow is the dress rehearsal and Thursday is when it all begins as such, the tickets have been sold and there is no backing out at this point in the production
yesterday i cleaned the steps for the rat run to the stage and today mr boileau and miss launder said that they have never seen them so clean :)
I shall update soon
until next time
Matthew
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
8 days and counting
AS of now we only have 8 days till the first performance f as you like it by william Shakespeare, however there is a problem, we still have the best part of 20 costumes still to make. We are catching up as usual and we have been given the green room early but out of the next 9 days, 8 are being used doing something for the play, as such life is beyond hectic, and the stress is really starting to get to some people, Mr boileau and miss launder especially.
At explorers this week the air ambulance is visiting and next week we have a shooting competition,
i will miss the next two weeks rowing, :( and i will miss cubs as well. however there will be the performances and this will be the first time i will watch the play as on Friday i will have to study it :)
I will be assisting om the get in etc as well as other important stuff, making tea. Hopefully next year it wont be so bad.
on another note i completed angry birds chrome (all 210 stars) an i have had a chat with Mrs walley about various people in my life and what i should be careful of (very useful as i had picked up on barely anything ) And i think am sure in my mind.
As such i still question myself as to why it always worse at night when i am falling asleep, however generally apart from that i don't feel as lonely and as bad as i have done in the past witch is all good
I hope that all of my problems can be resolved soon and that i don't mess up relations with some good frinds along the way, Wish me luck people :)
At explorers this week the air ambulance is visiting and next week we have a shooting competition,
i will miss the next two weeks rowing, :( and i will miss cubs as well. however there will be the performances and this will be the first time i will watch the play as on Friday i will have to study it :)
I will be assisting om the get in etc as well as other important stuff, making tea. Hopefully next year it wont be so bad.
on another note i completed angry birds chrome (all 210 stars) an i have had a chat with Mrs walley about various people in my life and what i should be careful of (very useful as i had picked up on barely anything ) And i think am sure in my mind.
As such i still question myself as to why it always worse at night when i am falling asleep, however generally apart from that i don't feel as lonely and as bad as i have done in the past witch is all good
I hope that all of my problems can be resolved soon and that i don't mess up relations with some good frinds along the way, Wish me luck people :)
Saturday, 12 November 2011
Sorry
To my blog,
I apologise that i have neglected to update you over the past couple of weeks, however they have been eventful in some ways and not so in others. Unfortunately I still feel the loneliness every night as I fall asleep and I doubt that there is much i do to change that without considerable risk to my friendships with certain people and i am fairly sure that around now is probably one of the worst times of the year to ask. More to the point i have no idea of any way that i could find out or tell how she feels.
On another, happier, note I attended a lecture on neutrinos at Oxford uni by Frank Close; it was very interesting to see as it was more about the histories about them and high lighting some of the tragic events that occurred along the way,(mainly all the people who missed out on Nobel prises).
Changing subject once again I have unfortunately been neglecting my homework and so on recently a little because of various events, e.g. the release of inheritance by Christopher Poilini, the BBT Abridged Movie and spending my free periods talking about wedding cake with close friends of mine.
Returning to the time of year, the school play is nearly upon us and as of last week we finally have all of the costume sheets in :)
I will try to keep up to date and return sooner next time
goodbye
Matthew
I apologise that i have neglected to update you over the past couple of weeks, however they have been eventful in some ways and not so in others. Unfortunately I still feel the loneliness every night as I fall asleep and I doubt that there is much i do to change that without considerable risk to my friendships with certain people and i am fairly sure that around now is probably one of the worst times of the year to ask. More to the point i have no idea of any way that i could find out or tell how she feels.
On another, happier, note I attended a lecture on neutrinos at Oxford uni by Frank Close; it was very interesting to see as it was more about the histories about them and high lighting some of the tragic events that occurred along the way,(mainly all the people who missed out on Nobel prises).
Changing subject once again I have unfortunately been neglecting my homework and so on recently a little because of various events, e.g. the release of inheritance by Christopher Poilini, the BBT Abridged Movie and spending my free periods talking about wedding cake with close friends of mine.
Returning to the time of year, the school play is nearly upon us and as of last week we finally have all of the costume sheets in :)
I will try to keep up to date and return sooner next time
goodbye
Matthew
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
The holidays
Well the week so far has been ok, I have had a couple of time feeling realy down, however they pass.
On friday i went to the Halloween cosplay competition at my local manga club as C.T. Smith from the manga zombie powder (i didn't win) on Saturday i went to the cinema and saw johny english reborn and it was Amazing :) sunday was rowing not done much else yesterday i went to my grandparents and so on but not much really
:)
matthew
On friday i went to the Halloween cosplay competition at my local manga club as C.T. Smith from the manga zombie powder (i didn't win) on Saturday i went to the cinema and saw johny english reborn and it was Amazing :) sunday was rowing not done much else yesterday i went to my grandparents and so on but not much really
:)
matthew
Thursday, 20 October 2011
At long last
the last couple to days have been relatively good for me, yesterday i had my last day of lessons and today i went to a lecture at Oxford uni :) I finished my cosplay costume for tomorrow and most importantly in my opinion, I got a hug yesterday. You would not believe how much happier i have felt since then however i have the misfortune of being on holiday for a week before i will see anyone again however that does mean i have time to catch up on my essays :) besides a week isn't that long
Sunday, 16 October 2011
The Weekend
well , the weekend hasn't been the worst and i have achieved some things that needed doing,
yesterday i went to the fair and bought a gun for my cosplay :) and today i sorted my christmas list and bought my clothes for rowing, i didnt fall in at rowing and helped to burn all the trees that we cut up yesterday when we sorted and tidied the garden
yesterday i went to the fair and bought a gun for my cosplay :) and today i sorted my christmas list and bought my clothes for rowing, i didnt fall in at rowing and helped to burn all the trees that we cut up yesterday when we sorted and tidied the garden
Thursday, 13 October 2011
some days are just . . .
today has been a semi sort of boring day, I spent a fair amount of time with the two girls who i mentioned in previous posts yet was unable to ask them about what i wanted, i returned a volume of zombie powder, renewed another and withdrew 4books from the library and set up my well topic apart from that not much happened however there is still that heaviness in my heart and hopefully there will be a chance i can ask tomorrow i can but hope
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
I just want a hug
Do you ever know the sort of days where everything that can go wrong, goes wrong. Well i have had a day sort of similar, firstly several things did go wrong such as leaving the freezer open last night night slightly and forgetting my maths book with the homework in. It wasn't so bad because a couple of the very kind girls in my life came and helped me sort my head out and pointed out that it wasn't all bad and so on. I managed to have a chat with them about my problems however i couldn't say everything because some things that i were feeling and thinking would have been inappropriate, because they are not the sort of things you say to good friends of the opposite gender without some slightly embarrassing situations potentialy arising. So i just leave it inside, it is something i have wanted to ask them for some while but have always felt that it would not be right. hopefully putting this down in writing will make me feel better because now i am alone again the same dreadful feeling has returned with a vengeance, hopefully when i see them tomorrow either the feeling will recede once again or i can pluck up the courage to ask.
matthew
matthew
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Welcome to my life
In the past I have contemplated about blogging before, writing up my thoughts for others. After a few friends from different groups have suggested in the last few days that I write a blog, well here it is.
At long last i have felt bothered enough to come and create another space for me on line. I do not promise to use it all the time, every day however i will when i feel the need.
matthew
At long last i have felt bothered enough to come and create another space for me on line. I do not promise to use it all the time, every day however i will when i feel the need.
matthew
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